Something Borrowed (2011)

 0/5 (i'm being generous)

the only reason i didn't walk out was because my friend Alison drove a long way to come see me and for us to go see this movie (we were in the mood for something "girlie"). but this wasn't "girlie" - this was sh-t.

 

and not for anything, but it seemed like Alison and i were the only two normal people in the theatre. we happened to see the movie at a Rainbow Cinema... on a f-cking two-twoonie tuesday. needless to say that the theatre was packed with the strangest looking sorts gathered in one place that i've seen in a while (and i hang out at Sneaky Dees). 

and there were kids. kids! like, 6-year-olds (wanna bet Pirates of the Caribbean 4 was sold out?). regardless, why on earth would a mother bring her kid to sit through this crap? i would sooner bring my child to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. there is more to be learned.

this stool of a movie was based on the book (i actually have no clue how the book was published, let alone have been made into a bloody movie). and this movie was terrible. horrible. not funny. not interesting. not touching. not important. i hated the characters. i didn't believe any of them. they were so fake. i didn't give a sh-t. they were lame. the story was lame. the acting was lame. 

but then, at the end of the movie (to give you an idea of the riff-raff Alison and I were surrounded by) people in the audience clapped.

they. CLAPPED.

seriously? because the last movie i saw where people clapped in appreciation was at the end of Of Gods and Men (2010). 

OF GODS AND MEN.

yes. of course. naturally.

but to clap at the end of Something Borrowed? 

(i'm shaking my head as i write this) i don't know what to say. wait... maybe they were clapping because it was OVER?!

sadly, i don't think this was the case. the audience we were with liked it. uuuggghhhhh. 

what? where am i???

i forgot what movie i was talking about.

anyway, i'm now gonna pop in Hannibal (2001) and wash the sh-t off. i need some Gary Oldman in my life tonight. even when he looks like this. because even Gary like this in Hannibal can deliver more chick flick action than Something Borrowed.