Bad Teacher (2011)

0/5 for the movie

5/5 for the footwear

for a couple of years i was a teacher. i first taught english and drama in a high school (read: juvenile detention centre), then, after a near nervous breakdown, i quit and began to work 12 hour days for a film production company where i earned next to no money. and not once did i miss my secure teaching job with its full benefits, good salary, pension plan, holidays, summers off - that's how much i loved being a teacher. 

but then, after looking at my stagnant bank account after a year or so, i conveniently decided that i had been unlucky with my school placement, and maybe, just maybe, i might really enjoy teaching (if i was in the right school). to make a long story longer, i discovered that, for me, the little ones (i.e., kindergarten to grade 2 - not beyond grade 3) was fun. because even when the little ones are bad, they're good. 

ultimately, teaching wasn't my gig and i left it. so when i saw the poster for this film, i was really hopeful, excited actually. 

i'm gonna try to make this review quick because i already feel that i lost an hour and a half of my life i can never get back watching this sh-t.

Cameron Diaz plays a middle-school teacher (don't remember the character's name and don't care enough to look it up). she hates her job and is constantly stoned and drunk and hates her students and is so bored that she sleeps through all her lessons (which is just showing the kids movie after movie). she gets dumped by her meal ticket rich fiance' and so she can't quit her job. so she decides that if she gets breast implants, she'll be able to nail down a man so she can quit her job. enter the rich substitute teacher (oxymoron?) played by Justin Timberlake. she does a bunch of stupid sh-t to raise/scam money to pay for the implants.

so that's the plot. 

oh, and Jason Segel plays the gym teacher who has a crush on her. but he's too much of a loser.

it was terrible. seriously. SO BAD. and it wasn't funny. AT ALL. like, the theatre was packed but silent at every attempt for a gag. i THINK i slightly smiled two times. both times for the delivery of little subtle lines delivered by Jason Segel (who, unfortunately, is looking really carb-y). the jokes were desperate. and, um, i don't know whether this crap was trying to be funny by being crude - because, frankly, zooming in on a prepubescent's boner through his track pants to me is just disgusting - if not wrong. NO ONE LAUGHED (and i saw this movie surrounded by a Canada Day beer-filled audience - in fact, i don't think it would have been very difficult to make a lot of those people happy.) 

also, was that dry humping scene supposed to be funny? the wet spot on Timberlake's jeans? listen, i'm no prude - i enjoy crude humour (WHEN IT'S DONE RIGHT) but with Bad Teacher, it's almost insulting what the makers of the movie thought an audience would laugh at. the movie was filled, filled with these pathetic, lame attempts for a laugh. a few times throughout the movie i turned to my friend, and she to me, and we just gave each other a silent ??? look. um, i was actally embarrassed watching it. embarrassed for the actors. ouch.

i also didn't give a sh-t about Diaz's character (or her tits). as an anti-hero, you've gotta win your audience over with SOMETHING - but there was nothing, NOTHING fun or snarky or funny or witty about her. her bad attitude, her indifference, the bitchiness didn't work, because the character has zero personality and zero charisma.

the only thing, the ONLY THING, i loved was the shoes she wears. they are DIVINE. stunning. a lot of Christian Louboutin. (i'm just gonna assume that her rich ex-fiance' bought her all of the eye-porn footwear to not make me angrier about the absurdity of it).

back to reality - what was also annoying to me was that, apart from the gym teacher, all the teachers (including the administration) in this movie are shown to be a bunch of losers and mental defectives, who i wouldn't leave alone in a room with my dog (if i had one) let alone my kids (if i had any). i think the intent was to make the audience feel that Cameron Diaz's character was "too cool" for this school (or any of the teachers in it), when in fact, she wasn't. she was just as annoying as they were, but in a different way. 

ugh. i wanted to walk out but my friend wanted to stay to the end. but others did walk out (lucky bastards). so, honestly, don't bother with this one. it's a total waste of time.

HOWEVER... i wanna recommend something, so if you're in the mood for a really, really bad-but-fun B movie about lame ass teachers and crazy students, Rock n' Roll High School Forever (1991) is the movie you gotta see.