Water for Elephants (2011)

  2/5

i hate the circus. it seriously freaks me out. everything about the circus makes me feel cheap. like, i need to go home and shower and pray for forgiveness, sorta thing. my friend Alison (love you!) and i went to go see Water for Elephants on saturday night. i had read the book when it first was published - but i stopped reading it halfway through. i couldn't tolerate the circus theme.

but i wanted to see the movie because it LOOKED so damn good in the trailer. it's set in the 1930s, and who doesn't love a good period piece? but then when Reese Witherspoon got married (timing which HAPPENED to coincide with the release of this movie) i got turned off a bit. i can be fickle like that. anyway, i gave it a go - the movie did LOOK lovely. the sets, colours, costumes (OMG, Reese's character at one point is wearing this amazingly gorgeous teal blue and mustard coloured jumpsuit. Alison and i simultaneously gasped at the beauty). that was great.

BUT

there was NO chemistry between Reese and Robert Pattinson. like, NOTHING. seriously, their love and even "flirty" scenes looked SO forced. that was super disapointing, because i find him hot, but in this she is super stiff. frigid. no sex appeal. nothing. i didn't care if they f-cked or not. it wouldn't have turned me on.

but you know what the best thing about this movie was? 

the elephant. 

Rosie the Polish elephant. ACTUALLY, Pattinson had more chemistry with Rosie than he did with Reese, which, you know. can't be good for Reese. the elephant actually looks obsessed with Pattinson. like, it flirts with him the whole movie. and when he cracks up laughing each time, it totally looks genuine. cute.

also noteworthy is Christoph Waltz's performance - am i the only one who finds him like REALLY SEXY? there's something about him. in this he looks and sounds like such a skeeze. and i love it when he gets a little rough with Reese, who plays his wife. HOT.

i did NOT however appreciate the lion scenes. i have a very bad phobia of lions. and birds. but i've been having nightmares about lions for YEARS (yes, my mother (the psychiatrist) has told me a million times the transparent significance of lions in dreams). they scare the shit out of me. even in movies i get anxiety. OMG, have you seen Jumanji? HOLY. F-CKING. F-CK. yeah, that movie destroyed my nerves. seriously it scared the shit out of me. i can't watch it again. i will seriously get a panic attack. and forget even trying to get me close to the lions' den at the zoo. oh god. just thinking about it makes me want to take an Ativan.

but i digress. the movie wasn't that bad. apart from the lack of chemistry, circus thing, and the lions, the movie was a fun and curious glimpse at circus freaks of the 1930s. and IF the director's cut dvd edits out the lions, i just might buy it - not as much for the movie but to get a good look at Reese's jumpsuit, so i can get it made for myself. (ooh! Alison, perhaps you and i can get matching jumpsuits made! that alone would be worth the price of admission.) xi